Reflection on my insane writings of 2004

I am going over some of the writings of mine in 2004. I have come a long way. A few things i've come to realize, was that living in poverty will break you tremendously. When society offers no job, they also emotionally scar you and weaken your spirit.

At first, my determination led me to extreme resentment for the government... but i realize now that it is more than that. The government is only part of the reason i turned out the way i did. It is true that money is the ultimate evil, but it takes time to understand why. Money corrupts peoples' perspective on value. Eventually a persons worth is entirely analyzed by means of what they could do to earn the oppressor some more money. You yourself must realize that when you look at objects, and determine the value on them, you eventually will lose sight on the value of human life if you become rooted in this system. When you're extremely poor, like i was, then nothing is worth money. You become desperate for a job, and when it becomes realized that nobody will hire you, depression follows. Depression will lead to mood swings, mood swings will lead to mental instability, and that eventually will lead you to turning to god for help. After time, you plead with god for guidance, and your own mind makes up a series of moral obligations to reach a more enlightened path. If you're a writer like I am, and you feel the need to express the toughness that is life, you will spill out many words and feelings, and what becomes of it includes various guidelines of morality, lots of blame, and resentment.

Now i'm not going to knock all my thoughts... I had some good ideas. Some of them even helped shape my outlook on life in the current, though much of the spiritual gist I have abandoned. When i was under this path of mysticism, I have to admit, there were unexplainable events which took place which any person wouldn't believe. I remember once, there was a cat which came up to me and started staring at me and meowing.. and when i started walking, it followed and it felt as if it was trying to tell me something. I was quite paranoid at this point, so i felt it meant something divine. That might not seem so strange to you, but how about this. I was on the greyhound heading from St. Louis to NY, and met this brotha. Now let me set the premise... At this point i had this delusion that i could think of a certain spirit of whom could become alive in another person by thinking of them. This person was quite friendly, but when i started to think of spirits, he acted very differently every time i mentioned them, talking as they would talk at each persona switch. Then i did something interesting, there was a woman who only spoke spanish, and with a thought of it, i wanted to see if i could get him to speak spanish and her to speak english, such as to flip their souls around for a minute... at that moment she began to speak english, and he, spanish. At that point, she didn't speak spanish and he didn't speak english, it was precisely as i was thinking. I was kind of scared at this point, because it confirmed my suspicions that I was actually playing around with spirits at my will. We both actually had a conversation on the idea of real magick, and both concluded that it is rooted in the color spectrum, and that the colors had more meaning in life than which met the eye of the perceived. Anyway, we stop talking eventually because i was playing around with souls too often...and he was getting tired of it. Later on i remember looking at my digital watch that i had on my hand, imagined if it disappeared, and to my extreme disbelief, even to this day.. i will swear on my soul that the watch itself disappeared before my very eyes. I was very scared here, and maybe about an hour later I got off the bus in the middle of the night in the middle of Ohio, completely unstable. I know the state of my mind was quite skewed, but I remember what i witnessed, and it left a deep memory on me that will be remembered for the rest of my life. I rarely mention to people what happened, and whenever i do, nobody believes me. They tell me that i was under serious mental stress and that its likely that my own mind made it up... but i remember it vividly and for whatever reason it happened, it surely was a message to me that there is much more to life than what meets our sane minds with reason. There were other times which are unexplainable via rational thought, but i will not go into that.

I will say that it took me about 6 months to maintain a stable mind again, but it only occurred when i left the place of poverty and moved in with the folks again. My improvement came with time and determination, but not medication. They gave me medication for a while, but it didn't work. The only thing that worked was confidence and hope. Eventually i went back to school after some time working. Everything is going to plan so far, even making some extra money online while i'm out of work in this recession. I am quite good at resolving conflict via my chess skills and determination. It seems that I am heading in the right direction now, and that if i ever become desperately poor again, that i'd be able to handle it better the next time around... not that i wish to put myself in that position again.

But i will say another thing, despite my psychologically stable mind. I still believe money is the tool which entraps the weak and impoverished, to bend to the will of those with money. Misplaced value will still corrupt the mind of the deceived, and the deceiver will always reign as long as people buy into the illusion of capital importance. To me, it is not a crime to judge society and all of its worth based on how people put their values into what is overly suggested to them to accept as true. For example, to blindingly follow the law and believe that it means anything, surely concludes the fact that the law-abider does so under fear of the consequences of committing a crime. If perhaps nobody placed any faith in the law because the lawmakers themselves are hypocrites and abuse their power to pass laws which the majority of the people would have indeed denounced, then we would be stepping in the direction of popular dissent. To me, this is not only mindfully healthy, but what it rightfully granted under popular will, preached in such doctrines as the constitution. If the majority of the people remain passive in adulation of their rulers, they eventually suffer for remaining silent. The momentum of the lawmakers, and ignorance of the populace have already strengthened the lawmaker to a point where peoples' no longer attempt to argue, and remain ignorantly content. If you allow them more time, there will be a moment where another fascist government will surprise people and remind them of the necessary rebellious nature for which the country is based on, and perhaps at that time it won't be too late to take back the power from the power-hungry. I still find that at anytime where people continue to believe everything is perfectly chipper and rosy posy, their thoroughly brainwashed minds have another thing coming.

In light of this, my dream is still to live in a moneyless society whose emphasis on education governs the will of its populace. Someday i hope i live in such a place, but for now i have to survive another day without being detained for straying on the path of a non-propagandized path, having opinions which bend away from the political norm, with contempt for those with ignorant national pride and uniformity towards injustice.